Talk to me, please

It's almost 1am , and I am wide awake. Tried sleeping but ended up wetting my pillow with my non stop streaming of tears. This seems to be a trend lately. I blamed  it on my lady-hormones at first, as evident by my period now (okay, too much info, my bad.), but then it mainly is the loneliness that I've been feeling of late. Yup.I feel lonely.Never felt lonelier.Not even when I was literally alone. 

Lately, there hasn't been much talking going on. The kind that used to be during the 7 years of our courtship, the kind during the first year of our marriage. There used to be ample things to talk about & silly things to laugh about. Somehow all those just stopped after baby came. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby to bits and I'm not blaming him for any of these. 

We used to talk about work, family, movies, almost anything and everything under the sun. But then suddenly there's nothing to talk? Well I do have loads of things to talk about, being a chatterbox myself. But he somehow doesn't show any interest anymore. He goes to work, comes back in the evening, takes a nap, works out & has dinner. In between these, its FB or watsapp. When I talk, he;s either engrossed with whatever that's on TV,FB or Watsapp. It ends up in me repeating whatever I say (of course minus the initial enthusiasm). Either that or I get a Blah response. I haven't hated technology and social media this much before. Its like I'm competing with another chic for attention. This has ended up in me not saying much because I am seriously sick of repeating myself.

As I was busy crying my eyes out the past few nights (unnoticed of course), a few possible reasons for these changes struck me:

1. The one & only meal we share together is in front of the TV. Do not underestimate the importance of having dinner together, on the dining table. Ever wondered why our elders had always made a big fuss when we wanted to watch TV & have dinner? Well, I for sure know now. Having a meal together is a great way to bond with your loved ones, exchanging what events had transpired throughout the day etc. Prior to marriage, we would have at least a meal together in a restaurant.Him, me and no TV.So, we were forced to talk. After marriage, we had lunch together with mutual friends on most days & dinner was either eaten out, just the both of us & if I cooked, we had dinner together at home, on the dining table. These days, its us eating side by side, eyes glued onto the TV. 

2. I'm not working at the moment. I'm still on my confinement leave. Looking back, I guess previously I was the initiator of most conversations, always having some story from work to share and that probably triggered him to share his stories. Lately, all I have to share is either baby's routine or an occasional gossip when mom calls. That too has reduced because as I said earlier, I'm sick of repeating myself.

3. He has lost interest. I hope not. I couldn't have possibly bored him just a year into marriage, right? I have to admit that I'm a nag at times but most wives are, aren't they?

4. Lastly, the most dreaded: There is someone else? Let not even get there. Because I seriously wouldn't know how to cope, Should I say 'Fuck off' & walk away or should I stay for the sake of baby? I don't know.

Of course the best way to deal with things is to talk about it, ironically. I had tried conveying my feelings once by text. I had a meltdown when he was at work. I was exhausted & baby was throwing a tantrum. I told how upset & lonely I felt. His reply was promising, with a sorry & even suggested to take care for baby during the weekend and for me to go out with mum. Well I did & I think it was a mistake. I was feeling lonely mostly because him & I were not communicating enough, not because I wasn't out enough. 

I truly miss the days when we could just talk & talk & talk. I dread the end of weekends because that means he will be going to work the next morning, & I will be alone with baby at home, back to my same routine. I wait excitedly for him to return in the evenings, only to be disappointed by his lack of interest to talk. I miss the nights we would just lay in bed & talk till we fell asleep. I miss talking to him.

 The way things are right now, I'm afraid my marriage will go downhill. I'm afraid my loneliness turns into depression and I end up hurting myself. How can two people with so much in common suddenly start drifting apart and eventually become strangers?
How is it that I look at this as a problem &  feel so depressed, crying myself to sleep every other night but  it doesn't seem to bother him at all? Am I being paranoid? Am I over-analyzing things? Will things change for the better? I don't know, only time can tell.

Lets summarize 5 years

Well, well ,well... it has been, let me see, FIVE YEARS since I last blogged! Can  you believe it? FIVE freaking years!!

Well let me tell you, A LOT has happened over these five years. Soon after my last post, I started housemanship in a recognised hospital close to home. I have to say that housemanship was pretty challenging but in a good way. I learnt many things during those two years. Life was so much nicer as I got to stay with my parents and my then boyfriend (and now husband) was posted to the same hospital!

During my final posting during housemanship, in December 2011, we got engaged. It was a rather grand event held at my parents' home. Oh, and I think I looked my thinnest then (yup, I'm still obsessed with my weight)

Upon completion of my housemanship, my fiance & I were posted to another hospital, also close to my home. We were lucky as we both got into departments of our choice. It had been two years plus now since we have been working there.

In July 2012, we got legally married. Our traditional wedding ceremony was on November the same year.I got pregnant in March the following year and went to Maldives for our Babymoon in June.

I delivered a healthy baby boy in December 2013.(I'll have a separate post on my pregnancy and delivery.) 

As of now, I am in my final month of my confinement leave. As I got used to managing my time & juggling between  caring for my baby and doing my daily chores, I started becoming bored, like really, really bored and lonely as it was the same routine day in day out & hubby went to work. I was so frustrated as I felt that hubby & I no longer spoke like how we used to. Feeling like I needed a place to vent out my frustarations, I suddenly remembered by blog! Yup the one I last wrote on when I was in medical school. Reading my previous posts definately brought back memories & a few tears. I couldn't even remember some of the things that had happened! Anyway, after finally finding the page, I encountered problems logging in as my email account which I used 5 years ago had been spammed. I somehow, miraculously managed to retrieve my account &  here I am summarising my life events which occured over the last 5 years.

One thing is for sure, I'm not going to abandoned my blog the way I did before. Now with baby around, I'll definately have more things to blog about.

P/s: I'm not sure why, but I suddenly feel so much love for hubby. Must be the effect of reading the post on our fight (which I seriously can't recall) & how we made up after that. (Who knew a 70 cents coffee was all that we needed post fight. True love & simplicity.)

TILL NOW..

It has been ages since I blogged. So long ago, that I actually forgot how to get about writing one. I had forgotten my sign-in name and after a few random guesses, I finally managed to sign-in. Not to mention, I also created a new account in the process. 'Sonia' if you are reading this, I'm sure you'll be laughing. Made me feel like an old lady on a computer =/

Well, lets see wat had happened over this past month.

1. Final exams

Thinking back, the exams seemed ok. But I was scared shit after my long case was over.I had a hyperactive kid who ran out during my examination. Worse still, my main examiner wasn't exactly someone I adored and I never bothered hiding my dislike towards her during classes. Boy, did I regret not hiding my ego and just sucking up to her before. It didn't help that she kept denying my findings, and I also found out that she failed many of the juniors. Nevertheless, I told myself that I've put in my best efforts preparing for the exam and had definately done my part as a student. I left the rest to fate. Short cases were much better, despite having Dr.K as one of my examiner. He was such a darling.

A few days later, the results were out. We waited the whole day, but it came out only at night, around 9 or 10. Server down it seems. I spent the whole day waiting outside my hostel, taking breaks for lunch and dinner, but it was worthwhile when I saw a PASS next to my name. I called my parents and brother to share the good news. Everyone was so happy. Only then did I start packing my things. I didn't dare pack before the results were out, incase I failed. Till today, I can't believe the confidence that some of my batch mates had. They had packed and loaded their things in their car AND settled the hostel evacuation paperwork before the results were out!!

2. Deepavali Deepavali was the same as every other year. It, as usual involved lots of eating, going to my eldest uncle's house and watching a tamil movie in the cinema. Prior to Deepavali, I had gotten my hair coloured and a pedicure done. Deepavali also resulted in weight gain. =(

3. The rest of the holiday till now

Boring, boring and boring. Everyday, I wake between 1030 to 1130 am, have breakfast, watch tv, have a nap, exercise and more tv. Except for the few days that I had to go shopping or get my medical check up done, everyday is the same.

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Well, thats all for now. Will definately update my blog if there is some change in my routine. Hopefully the next time I don't forget how to sign-in. =/

Guilt, Secondary To An Unproductive Day

I feel so guilty. I feel that I did not acheive anything today. And that's not good, especially when finals are around the corner.

I slept at 3 am last night. I studied, after chatting with an old fried for an hour plus. Its surprising how your guy friends suddenly become so friendly when they see a recent picture of you looking good. The compliments that they give, the efforts to chat with you. Thing weren't the same 5 years ago, when I was fat.

I still feel fat. I'm obssessed about my weight and appearance. I think I have a psychiatric disorder. I hate being so freaking obssessed about my weight, but I can't help it. Its just there, constantly in my mind.

It doesn't help that my appetite has been increasing over the past few weeks. I fear that I'll end up being like what I was previously. I definately wouldn't want that to happen, not after getting a feel of being 10 kgs lighter, along with all those compliments. No, that's not happening for sure. I'll control my food intake tomorrow onwards.Promise.

Back to topic. I planned on waking up at 930 am today, to start studying early. The stupid fire alarm went off at 9am. I initially thought that it was a false alarm, as usual. But, it went on for so long that I started thinking 'what if there really is a fire?' I walked to end of the corridor in my pyjamas, still half asleep to look out and see if the fire brigade was there. Nope.

I went back to my room, emptied my bladder, and went back to sleep. I woke up at 1130am. Started my day feeling guilty. I hate that. I cursed myself for not showering at 930am itself. I had breakfast. did my laundry, showered and started studying. Also watched a movie part by part in between all these.

Slept again at 345. Woke up at 445 and went to gym. Great workout. Came back and showered, had dinner, continued watching the movie, then facebooked for sometime. Felt guilty, so I started studying again.

Couldn't concentrate. Feeling depressed, guilty.

So, here I am, blogging. I always feel better after blogging. Its like venting out your frustrations. Makes m heart lighter and my mind clearer.

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better, more productive day.

Love you, Papa!

I can't wait to get home to celebrate Father's Day!

I don't tell you this often,

And I don't speak to you often,

But what I want you to know is that I love loads, Papa.

Without you, I wouldn't be where I am today,

You showed me patience, something that I could never learn (:p),

You showed me the importance of being responsible,

And most of all,

You showed me love.

Hope you have a happy Father's day, Papa.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

At around 8pm yesterday, an sms war broke. The issues were pretty much the same as the previous ones. However, after aproximately 2 hours of the sms war, both parties decided to end the war and reconcile.

A war every now and then is healthy for any relationship isn't it? It gives you the opportunity to tell each other what is it that you're unhappy about, so that the other party makes an effort to change. For the best of both of them and the future of their relationship.

It also makes you realise why you fell in love with each other in the first place. And how lucky you are to have each other.

The reconciliation was celebrated with a cup of 70-cents coffee each and some catching up with whatever that took place during that 50 hours of silence.

*~* And they lived happily ever after *~*

Silence

***As of now it has been 42 hours***

*~* the picture pretty much describes my affect.depressed.*~*

*~* don't know where this whole thing is gonna lead me to*~*

*~*but everything happens for a reason, right?*~*